feb2

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2005-02-13 15:38:30

can you please let me die now ?


am i allowded to die yet ? please ?
one of these days i wont bother to ask for permission i will
just go ahead and do it ... and yeah i know it sounds
selfish and childish but hey its not you that is feed up
whith everything

i just need someone to tell me what i already know and well
i think i kinda made a fool of myself i let one person get
to close before i was ready for it and now i scared him away ...
i am stupid so stupid i whish everything would just end

please let me just dissapear whithout a trace .... i do not
whish to be found until after i have beeing dead for a
couple of million years or so



//marina
-----------------

2005-02-15 02:15:23

~same stuff that you can find on my blog~


oww i am evil i am evil i just insulted my ex in the swedish
diary .... big time ... i knew he read my diary .... and i
also knew he would get pissed at me for telling the truth
about what i really feel about him .... i hate him and he
just had to read that .... it must have hurted him more then
me since i actully dont care if hes hurt due to him hurting
me over and over and over for the last 7-8 years ... well
atleast hes pissed i wounder how many of my other ex´es are
pissed becouse i wrote down excatly how i feel about them...
it makes me realize that i am truely not a nice lovely
person even tho current friends keeps on insisting on that i
am a nice lovely innocent little short person whith way to
much attitude ... sure i know that i am a bitter sourpuss
....but hey ... they made me in to what i am.....



and i am a animal whith so much rage and so much unsolved
issues that it would prolly take me rest of the time i have
left to solve everything but hey atleast i will die happy
whith a smile on my face when everything is cleard up ... if
it gets to that point at all ...



oh btw i should get news some time this week about how long
i have left until my cancer beats me ...or if i beat the
cancer ... now i hope for my own sake that i actully beaten
it... but changses of that are slim.....i will just not give
up yet i think i can beat it.. i have the willpower to figth
it ... i do not whish to give up at this point of my life
... sure my depression makes me want to give it all up and
just lay down and die ... but its all going in waves of the
day some moments are better then others ...

//Marina
-------------------
2005-02-26 05:46:01

~~~Dreams~~~



den 26 februari



~~~Dreams~~~

~~First Dream~~

Slowly i fell alseep naked to the bone whishing you where here.
In my dream you came from the shadows like you usally do.
I do not know why you bother to tell me things that i
already know in the dreams.
Everything is so obvious.
You already told me the secret of life and how long i shall
live.
You already let me meet the persons that made a lifetime
impression on me.
Then you rudely took them away from me one by one .
Why did you warn me about my uncle so many houers ahead ?
I already knew that it was his day to die on.
And i already knew that he would drop dead on the way from
the bathroom.
You dident excatly show me something i dident already know.



^^^middlepart when i speak my mind of what actully happend
today... yes he did die (yesterday since it has taken me
houers to figure out how i should show my tribute to him
whithout it sounding wrong)^^^

Hannou i miss you.
You will always be in my mind.
You where the only one that actully loved my music. (even if
it sounded bad sometimes)
And you treated me as a dougther instead of your wifes
brothers dougther.
I still remember the nicest thing you did for me during the
summer i spent in your adpartment, you let me run wild and
throw partys and you dident even mind that i was the way i
was .. noone else would have trusted me whith that huge
adpartment in a town on my own at that point of my life so i
was actully chocked that you handed me the keys and so much
cash and told me to have as much fun as i possibly could...
you and my aunt lived at your trailer at your yard plot a
bit outside of town during that time since you guys dident
want to be in the way so instead i showed up where you
where atleast once a day even if the weather was bad ...

i loved you guys so much ! you will be missed you showed me
the best part of living when you where alive and you know
it... its a sad day but i knew it would come. i just hope my
aunt will be able to cope whith it ... since your husband
number 2 that died on her.. and yes i will speak my mind on
the funeral whenever its time for it and yes i will use all
the good memorys that i have of you into that speeach
becouse you where the one that treated me as your own
dougther ... None of the other relatives ever done something
like that for me.



^^back to the dreams^^

As i said i already knew this.
When are you going to reveal yourself my mysterious goth
looking shadow that knows it all ?
I know that you are someone i havent meet yet becouse that
face does not match any of the peapole i know at this point
of my life both irl and online....
I dont even know your name for godsake and still you know
everything about me.
I think its unfair.
And as always you dissapear from the dream by re entering
the shadows...

~~~Dream 2~~~

I walk outside in the snow barefoot and nude and its cold
and i am freezing and suddenly a friend shows up and tells
me to follow him ... i follow him around for a while then i
turn around and notices that i dont make any marks in the
snow and nethier does he so i turn back to him and asks him
... "why is there no footmarks behind us"

and he answerd in the lowest tone he could ... " you and me
are dead ... ever seen dead persons leave footmarks in the
snow ? " and i couldent resist on asking him another
question... "when and where did i die?"

his face changed a bit and he looked sadly down in to my
face and answerd ..."you should know that yourself by now
... it was your time and your own desicion to end your own
pain ... so i cant really answer that you will have to look
inside yourself for the answer to that.."

and i was so nervous and jumpy at that time so i just had to
ask him one more question "where are we going?" he answerd
short and a bit irritated " we are on our way home"


and i got kinda winded up and i stopped freezing and i
couldent even feel the cold air but i knew it was there
becouse every time i took a deep breath i could see the
frost on the air while i breathed out... after a while of
silence i asked him the last question " where is home ?"

he stopped and took my hand and said .... "we still have to
walk in the snow for atleast 1 houer more then we will lurk
the shadows outside our new home for a couple of houers
until they let us in and just so you know we will always be
walking around together one houer here is a decade in the
human world so you have already beeing dead for a century
human time" and i took that response well since i liked the
idea of walking hand in hand rigth beside a friend......

~~~End of dreams~~~

¤¤¤¤Then i woke up.... ¤¤¤¤


my dreams are getting weirder and weirder by every nigth ...
i think i am going insane ...
well atleast i dident have the standard drowning dream this
time .... it spooks the shit out of me to be honest...

and yes i have feelt like i should do something about my
current state of mind but i wont go back to medications for
depressions they will just make me worse ... tryed it and i
got worse never going back to useing that... it is my own
choise.. and yes i am suicidal and depressed at the moment
but i also know theres a time for everything and i am
figthing it off even if it drives me insane at the moment.

thank god i wrote all this on english ... i would have hated
it if my parrents knew that i am this depressed at the
moment ... they would prolly call the psykiatric ward to
come get me instantly ... and thats also why i write it on
english ... my sister isent too clever and my brother ... he
cant handle english and my older brother ... hes to busy
whith straigthening out his own life in uk whith his beloved
wife....

as long as i can write off what i think whithout doing
anything about it i feel kinda ok ... if i couldent write
off whats on my mind i would prolly crossed the line and
done something about it by now.