feb1

2005-02-02 03:49:16

weee new month !


and a diffrent wiew on life itself

here comes the "what if" be repeted a couple of times ...

What if the world was a better place to live in ?
i honestly dont know if i would like to live in a perfect
world whith perfect peapole ... it would get boring if there
wasent anyone that had diffrent ideas and diffrent lifestyles


What if there was no wars ?
i dont think i would be happy or sad becouse i know that
total peace is something that would never stop existing
becouse theres always some stupidass male that wants more
power then he could possibly handle ...


What if starvation dident exist?
well peapole would atleast stay alive for longer but the
world itself would probobly not be able to produce enoufh
food ... nature is too destroyed as it is already ... to
much harm has already beeing done to this planet ..


What if i was married to someone that actully loved me as i
am and not for something i could be?
what i am thinking off in this case is that everyone i ever
dated tryed to change me ... they dont get it ... if i
really wanted to change my way of thinking and behaving and
dressing ... i would have changed attitude a long long time
ago .... and love me for what i am ...now that is freaking
impossible it dosent coumpute in my world ...selfconfidence
= 0,0000001 but thats nothing new really ... everyone that
knows me also know that i am way to obsessive about my own
looks ... hair and clothes ... i have like half a wardrobe
that i never used ...becouse its doublettes of what i
already have ... just a diffrent size ...


What if i had never any problems in life ... would it still
be worth living ?
probobly not becouse i would have beeing way to spoiled and
pamperd so i wouldent have the knowledge i have today ...i
would prolly die if i was dumped in a forrest whithout
anyone telling me how to survive ... luckely i have those
skills due to my dear parrents sending me off every summer
(8 weeks)to survivors camp training .... from the age of 10
to the age of 15 ...


What if i never knew what life was about ?
well that is a harder thing to answer becouse i actully dont
have a clue but if you have a clue about it your more then
welcome to email me directly at miss.swe@gmail.com


What if the world goes under tomorrow and total anarchy
breaks loose ... would i enjoy it or would i hate it ?
i would most defintly love it .. i love to trash things up
and destroy things i have so much anger and suppressed
feelings against the world that i would be dangerous if you
handed me a maschinegun and ammo.....


What if i stop living in the past and my shadows of the past
dissapears ? would it still be worth it ?
i honestly dont know....but it would prolly be a really
great thing if i could erase all the shit that has happend
to me ...if my past dissapeard mysteriously i would prolly
walk around knowing nothing and actully be happy .... and
now that is a scary thougth ... me walking around looking
happy ...it would be so out of charactar for me ...


What if i discoverd that i could actully fall in love again ?
well that i can answer strangely enoufh ... i am already in
love and it feels freaking great !! but as always ... i dont
know if the other person have the same basic feelings
and hes totally funny and hes got the cutest ass i ever seen
he makes me smile... when he smiles i smile ... when he is
missing i just cant consentrate... and yes i think that
someone actully reads this diary... so hi Anthony ! *hugs on*

oh and yes i presume more of my friends actully reads this
so ... hi ! and ... *hugs on all of you as well both some of
the real friends and those new friends from all over the
world that uses camfrog*

anyways i should appologise to everyone .... for my lack of
english typing skills ... but i am swedish and english is
still not my first langue ...

oh yeah ... no lyrics today ! and no soup for you !

//Marina
-----
2005-02-04 21:30:09

wierd dreams


something is really wrong whith me i had a really weird
dream that some of those i know on camfrog was in .... (not
nameing them in the dream tho)
----------------------------------
i was walking around in a shop and it was dark in there
since it was after closing houers and suddently out of
nowhere a longhaird tall dark thing came out from the
shadows assulting me...trying to kill me... then from the
other side came a friend who also is dark tall and cute and
friendly and longhaird ...he jumped the other person and
screaming ... leave my missy alone you low rank vampire ...
then a houer passed and the figth was over and i was dead
and my friend who was so nice and friendly and cute and
charming and smart and wounderfull had dissapeard in to a
cloud of fog leaving me to my own destany on a altar of
somekind and i soon realized that i wasent really human
anymore so i discoverd that the only way of living was on as
a vampire ...but i soon realized that it wasent the attacker
that turned me in to one .... it was my friend who had
become my master and that was truely disturbing and twisted
becouse i know i would never let that happend....no matter
how smart charming a friend cam be i would never ever let
anyone take charge of my life in that way....

then i changed settings and was suddenly human again and
meet the love of my life (Peter for those who hasent read my
diary to close) but he told me to move on and so i did and i
discoverd that i migth possibly have a problem listening to
peapole since all i could think of was the reasons for my
own existance and well thats where the normal dude that
comes in my dreams showed up and started talking about life
and what i want out of life then a cool dude that spoke both
english and some other germanrelated langue came by and told
him to go shagg a corpse instead so i started chatting whith
the cool dude and discoverd that i should move out of sweden
as fast as i possible can he suggested 4 countrys ...
England,Netherlands,Australia,Japan

so ... in my dream i started off whith visiting Japan and i
found it pretty nice but i just couldent make enoufh friends
and find any good jobs so after trying over and over i
decided to move on to Australia whitch suited me a whole lot
better due to me actully haveing relatives to lean back on
for a while when it got roufh

but after a while i got deported becouse i made too much
noise so i went to the Netherlands and tryed to make a
living there but as always where i am trouble is ... so
i firmly decided to give up and try uk instead ...


now this is where it gets all frustrated and messy ...
i start off by visiting my dear brother and his shit
annoying wife ... they offerd me a job as a house maid (well
me cleaning up after my brother isent excatly what i would
do normaly and his annoying wife ...now shes just a rank old
bitch whith way too much time on her hands so she only made
my life worse by offering me that job) but anyways i took
the job and hoped for the best ... and this is where a woman
and man comes to my rescue .... they nicely asks me if i
would like to be kidnapped and i agree ... becouse anything
was better then living whith my brother and his wife ... so
they kidnap me and sets me up whith a nice friendly person
that has blue eyes and long blonde hair and that has a
really wicked idea on how sex works ... and god the rest of
that part of the dream was way to heavy to even try to
describe here but it ended up whith me beeing his sexslave
for life.....
-----------------------------------------
then i woke up and just wanted to go back to sleep since the
last part of the dream was so great that i had to change
sheets in the bed ....

-----
2005-02-10 04:08:10

i knew this day would come


somehow i already knew that my dear friend would stand by my
side ... and today he proven it ... he is by my side even
if i whine and get all frustrated and upset.... he makes me
think of stuff i would probobly ignore and just keep to
myself ....
he is one of the really few that i actully like becouse hes
himself no matter what ... thanks for existing in the same
universe as me and at the same time !


and well this day has beeing productive indeed !
25 of 100 pages done and then i have some more paperwork to
do but its gonna make me stay awake for a longer while

on monday i have to train my replacement .... a 17 year old
whith no clue about how hard this really is to do .... but
after i showed him the ropes ... (i have 2 weeks to show him
how the system works) i can finally get my own life back on
track hopefully ...

well atleast a part of it ... i am still not sure i want
this at all ... but atleast i am sure about who has my love
and who hasent ....

in my life .... friends comes first ... love second .... it
hasent always beeing that way .... but i made misstakes in
the past that cant be erased in a second .... i trust my
friend more then i trust anyone else (whith atleast 9 of my
friends i can sleep in the same bed whithout anything
happening the 10th friend would prolly get a real hard time
whith his fiance if he tryed something whith me LOL)(then we
have a friend to add in to this that is not like any of the
other male friends i have ... hes quite diffrent in a good
way i like him for him and he knows it...i will walk by his
side as his friend and companion if he asks me ... but he
will never ask me to do it....if you should read this i hope
you stop blushing now...i would walk through hell and back
for you and you know it... i am here for you when you need a
shoulder)
enoufh about that !

and i do appologise since this is a bit messy but its how my
way of thinking works


anyways i need to get back to work now i have so much to
actully get done before sunday...

//Marina
----------------
2005-02-11 00:21:25

omg


i am, you are, we are , humans

i am a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad girl


i should get punished

i know really well what i have done ... i am a bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad girl

stay away...
trying to quit smokeing...
-------------------------------
2005-02-11 15:58:57

what ?


i feel kinda sad today .... and a bit heartbroken since i
cleaned out the office i have beeing working in since i was
17-18
it breaks my heart but at the same time its a releif

i have got roufhly 4 houers of sleep the last 2 days ... but
i also had the weird feeling of me comming down whith the flue
both fever and freezing and pukeing like a pig and eyes are
hurting and the head gets clutterd up whith things i never
thougth of before

i knew i needed a break from everything badly but i dident
realize that it would turn out this way ...

a friendly warning .... dont ever take anything for granted
even if your boss is one of the closest relatives you have ...

well dont go around assuming that i dident know of the
possibibllitys ... i always knew that something could
happend and i just had the concept of " everything is fine
until i die young "

since i do realize that i wont be here forever (some peapole
knows some peapole dosent know and i refuse to explain that
rigth now) i should prolly start enjoying the day as it
comes ... instead of makeing eveything in to a big
masterplan about how i should/shouldent live my life ...i
had every damn minit of my life planned for the next year
...and its all shatterd now so ill give the fuck about
everything and just start enjoying life !

but first i have to actully manage to go back on monday to
show my replacement the ropes .... i hope that guy has a
brain that works .... i dont know him and honestly .. i dont
think i want to know him ....

i hate peapole ... and i still love my friends.... they are
the biggest reason i am still sitting here alive ... i would
have given up if it wherent for them ... one of them has a
lot to do whith that and he knows it so i wont mention any
names ... just saying thanks ! you know who you are !

//Marina
------------------
2005-02-13 05:32:59

i am a animal trapped in a cage whith high walls that wont break


i wont let you get me all worked up again Linus ... i am
going to be honest now sweety ... i dont let peapole get too
close to me ... (even tho you where close to me for a period
of my life i am not keen on letting you waltz back in just
as if nothing ever happend...you know what happend you
caused my first breakdown about 7 years ago) and the same
goes for you Sebban... i dont want you back in to my life
ethier ... you triggerd all my fears for humans too damn bad
that your comming out of jail in roufhly 5 months when you
where supposed to get 10 years but thats the swedish law
system for you... get 10 years and released after 5 for good
behavior...

if i would let peapole get close i wouldent have beeing
single and scared to death about letting another human get
close to me .. and then theres the trust issue ... i dont
trust peapole in general ...i only trust those who i dare to
call friends

i know this sounds insane but rigth now i whish i was dead
.. it would ease up things for everyone else that have had
to pick up parts of me the last 10 years