2004-12-17 08:32:53
chemical dreams
those dreams i get when i eat sleeping pills are so
confusing they dont make any sence at all ...
like for a instance ... i first dreamed a normal dream
whith me out on my horse Satans Spawn ..
we where out in a nature reservation just relaxing and
enjoying nature the way we used to do every third month of
the year for a week or two .. we do THIS IN REAL LIFE like
this ..becouse i badly need breaks from life and stress
down but last trip was canceled a few weeks back due to
heavy snowing (witch is now gone btw) anyway back to the
dream ...
so here we where me and Spawn that i call him ..
just enjoying nature when a really wierd thing happend ...
out of nowhere a tall mysterious shadow creeped up on us
and we both got scared and i realized i was no longer
alone i had company by a fellow human (i can never
remember if the person is male or female that part is
always blurry) and it creeped me out becouse i enjoy beeing
alone so i woke up whith a heart rate doubble as fast of
normal....
second dream was more chaotic ....
me and some friends at a festival haveing fun ..
we fixed up the tent and started drinking since we where
already dressed and had makeup on .. and i started to drink
then i was out walking and picked up some new arrivals and
dragged them back to our tent and told them to connect
thier tents to our tent .. so they did and suddenly we had
a major sexfest on the festival ... everyone has sex except
me ... since i recorded the whole shit ... while i did that
i also ate food and talked to one person who walked by
about the reason of life ...and reason of existanse and we
both agreed to never say anything about it so now i wont
even tell you ... how rude is that of me ?
anyway back to the dream ... after i talked to that person
i realized more or less that i really really wanted to find
the one person of my dreams .. so i went out looking for
him and i ended up whith ... Nothing... He dosent exist ..
it was rude finding that out in a dream ...
but anyways my conclusion of this mess was ... my dream man
does not exist so ill have to settle for something less ...
-----------------------------------------------------------
and heres the dream man that dosent exist written down in
words for future references ...
*Long Hair (any color works) (and by long hair i mean
longer then the shoulders)
*Brown Eyes/Green Eyes (no damn Blue Eyed long haird male
for me thanks)
*Smart
*Have more Brain activity then a doorknob
*Humor
*A free spirit
*A mind of his own
*Own hobbys since i have a lots of hobbys that i dont want
to share
------------------------------------------------------------
thats about it i think since i woke up and currently are
typing this ... NO lyrics today but ...
--------------
random camfrog stuff ..
WaxPimp (09:10:37) : Dros stop fucking with the pitch
control
Homer298 (09:16:05) : Wax, you fuck! Are you!!!!! gonna
play it???????? when Vamp comes back?????????
Homer298 (09:20:00) : Aus fem!!!!!! why the hell can't we
see your face? If you are trying to hide the fact you are
masturbating... We can see the rest of you!!!!!
Lupine (09:33:42) : homo
Lupine (09:33:44) : err
WaxPimp (09:33:45) : lol
Join: iceman42
Lupine (09:33:48) : I mean Homer
ctrl (09:35:30) : am i in it?
ctrl (09:36:05) : I thought I would have gotten into your
brain by now...
Homer298 (09:36:08) : Yeah, I keep hoping Mistique will Im
me back. But she already knows I have a small dick, so she
is being nice.
thats all folks !
-----------------------------
2004-12-18 22:52:10
Hate the only true emotion.
---------------------
Every Soul Has A Hidden Depth
Every Wound Tells A Broken Story
Every Soldier Leaves His Bloody Mark
From The Shadows Of A Spiteful Mist
A War´nor Walks From A Horison Of Hate.
A Shadow Of Enigma
----------------------
(above is written by someone else... defintly not my work i
just liked it enoufh to start everything off whith it)
------------------------------------
I FEEL THE SORROW FILLING MY HEART
WITH BLOOD ON MY ARMS...
I WATCH MY WHOLE LIFE FALL APART...FOR THE THIRD TIME OF MY
LIFE AND I HOPE I WILL DIE SOON...
A SMILE ... WHO AM I KIDDING ? I CANT SMILE...
I JUST CAN’T DIE...FRIENDS JUST KEEPS ON PULLING ME BACK..
DARK EMOTIONS FILLING MY HEAD...
KILLING FOR SANITY ...
KILLING FOR JOY ... WHATS THE DIFFRANCE ?
LIFE IS A MISERY ...AND THE PAST HAS BEEING A PURE HELL...
I AM NOT MADE FOR LOVE ...AND NOT MADE FOR HATE...
THE BITTER TRUTH ...HURTS MORE THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE...
THAT IS WHAT I FOUND ...
IN THIS ENDLESS LIFE ...
SANITY DISAPPEARING...
WHAT CAN I DO ?
MY EYES COVERED IN BLOOD
BLINDING ME FROM THE TRUTH
SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS
BUT ONLY FIND LIES...
THE SWEET SEDUCTION OF DEATH
IS WHAT I HAVE FOUND...
SPREADING ITS TASTE IN MY HEART...
SEEDS OF EVIL
IN MY HEAD
A SMILE... WHO AM I TRYING TO FOOL ? MYSELF ?
I WISH TO DIE...I AM TIERD OF LIFE
NOT TO BE AMONG THE LIVING..I REALLY HATE MYSELF
IN THIS ENDLESS LIFE
ITS ONLY FULL OF LIES FROM STRANGERS WALKING BY..
------------------------------------------------------------
random text to noone..this is whats inside my brain
atm...you are the one i would never hug or the one i would
never talk to if we where in the same room ...i wouldent
even bother to spend one word on you ...thats how little i
like you ...thank god i will never meet you again in my
fevery dreams ... i put a mental block on you and it lasts
for this lifetime....
-----------------------------------------------
im to tierd to give a fuck about anything ... i just want
to die now.. dont disturb me in my attempts ... sure i
behave diffrently on camfrog and in life ... but remember
this is MY DIARY and MY thougths and weiws on life... and
rigth now im as feed up as i can get....i will probobly
have a major nervous breakdown soon again when i realizes
that im still alive....
anyhow ... i can now feel my feets and i can wiggle my toes
again ... i havent beeing able to do that since may this
year .... i can also feel my left leg completly again ....
only the other leg left to work on if i dont want a
permanent funny walk ... and my voice is slowly adjusting
to the swedish way of talking ... ill be putting peapole to
sleep soon by just talking ...and yes im still dropping
fast in weigth ... but i think i can get it under control
by changing my diet ...
and no lyrics ... damn im starting a trend here ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2004-12-19 14:00:10
more new words i learned today
T_VaMp (13:14:13) : jubblies are boobies Miss B
Throbbing=pulsating (thank ya Ron666 from camfrog)
i have nothing to say so heres some lyrics instead ...
Killing Me Softly With His Song
( Roberta Flack )
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style.
And so I came to see him to listen for a while.
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes.
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on ...
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there.
But he just came to singing, singing clear and strong.
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
He was strumming, oh, he was singing my song.
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
With his song ...
--------------------------------
2004-12-20 22:11:41
dont read this if you dont know me...
------------------------------------------------
frozen2 you bazzled my mind ... do i know you ?
probobly not and your defintly not reading my diary ...
noone who knows me well enoufh does ...
------------------------------------------------
Peter i miss you and you give me somewhat hope .... ill
soon see you on the other side ...and yes im serious i cant
take this bullshit called life anymore so i am on my
way...i just WHISH i figured this out earlyier .... took me
10 almost 11 years to figure out whats missing in my life ..
lets start over on the other side... ill be the one i was
when i finally come ...
(for you lazy fucks that dont know who he was ... he was my
first love and probobly the only true love i ever had)
------------------------------------------------------
and you longhaired goth stranger that never mentions your
name in my dreams why are you popping in and haveing long
conversations whith me about the meaning of life and the
reason why i should not take my life ? i know you mean well
i just dont get it why you havent given up on me since i
gave up more or less ... and you always show up on the
weirdest placeses and in the weirdest dreams..... why are
you doing this to me ? what did i do to deserve your
attention ? i never asked for it and still you gave me
it ...
----------------------------
so many questions and so little time i give up ...
if im still alive ill write more diary entries if im dead i
wont bother to write whats on my mind... you get the clue
rigth ?
and no lyrics im too fucking depressed to care if you wanna
know what i listnen to or not rigth now ...
-------------------------
~~~revolving door
(the story is at 18th of may but this was the original post from my diary)
2004-12-23 20:14:04
The Revolving Door
This following story is from my previous life as Miss Busan
in Asherons Call 1 my short Name in this Story is Busan
and YES i AM a friend of both Capfan And Peanut II
who in this story is named Peanut ... and i also Know the
person who wrote the story so i feelt more or less forced
to put this in my diary since it was not just a goodbye for
Peanut it was also a good bye for me .... oh God 5 years
and i make a silent good bye while my ingame spouse makes
the big bang good bye... oh i whish she knew that i miss it
but i made my mind up ... and im not going back and well
back to the story ...
check 18th of may 2005 for the story
Bye Bye Love !
now back to me ....
day before christmas and ill prolly write more tomorrow
after all presents ... *giggles*
time to get drunk and suicidal and sleepy *waves* SWEDEN
RULES !!!!!!!!
----------------
2004-12-24 22:30:51
yay !
all presents are listed on my new homepage....
http://missy.lupinesden.com/xmas/
the day has beeing nice ... at lunch i ate good food ...
then i opend presents .....
and after that i watched donald ducks special christmas
program .. after that everything got nasty ... everyne
started drinking so i called a cab and went home ... i cant
stand my drunk relatives .... i am pissed becouse they
actully promised me there would not be any alcohol since
nethier me or my sister can drink due to medication ... and
dad who has diabetes should actully have beeing more
carefull but no ... it pissed me off so i left ....
the only thing i loved was the gifts ...bad santa actully
gave me a rabbit so im happy .... now i shall go test it !
have fun !
//Marina
----------------
2004-12-25 20:45:11
Conversations
------------------------------------------------------------
A Friend : hugs again as looks like u need it u dont look
as happy today
Me : im not happy at all ... i just want a quik death
A Friend : awwww
Me : brb need to get ciggs from the refridgirator
A Friend : from the fridge?? lol
Me : yeah i store them in there ... tastes better then
since its menthol ciggs
A Friend : ahh
A Friend : hugs you, wish i could comb ur hair
Me : *hugs back* and well i will prolly cut it all off
soon since my whole world is falling apart ...
A Friend : awww no dont get it cut, u look lovely with long
hair
Me : well it dosent matter if im dead ... i am on the egdge
rigth now everything i dreamt off is gone everything i
could possibly want is gone and i just realized that i
would be better off dead and emotionless then trying to
chase after what i cant have ... its impossible to get what
i want
A Friend : awww dont think like that hun, nothing in life
is impissible
Me: the only thing i despratly want is a pice of mind
Me : and that i cant get no matter how hard i try
------------------------------------------------------------
someone unnamed :are u tired toiday?
me :no depressed and suicidal ,,,
someone unnamed : lol
someone unnamed : that bad?
me : yeah
someone unnamed : awww
someone unnamed : what can i do to cheer u up?
me : shoot me in the head ? ill provide the gun and bullet
someone unnamed : lol
someone unnamed : come on dont be like that
me : theres so much behind the surface that can never
heal no matter how hard i try ..i actully went to a hypnos
therapist to try to solve my issues but it dident work so
im still pretty messed up if not worse after it ...
someone unnamed : u where ok yesterday
me : i was on the edge yesterday ... and now im one step
closer ...
someone unnamed : a good nught of sex would do u good
someone unnamed : i know it does to me
me : no that would only make it worse rigth now
someone unnamed: awww, cause i would fly to where u are ,
but i see it wouldnt work
me : no i would probobly kill myself no matter what
me : its just a matter of time rigth now
someone unnamed : ur such a beautiful girl just leave those
shits behind
me : dont you think i would have done it already if it
where possible ?
someone unnamed : have u tried a good night of sex?? it
does miracles
someone unnamed : u probably didnt tryied yet
me : damnit ... sex for me means a hell lot more then just
sex .. its all about feelings and chemestry ...
someone unnamed : so?
someone unnamed : i can go there
someone unnamed : lol
me : and im just not a fucking toy i have emotions and to
fix the uncontrollable flow of already existing emotions i
dont really need more unresolved emotions to deal whith ...
god damnit ...
someone unnamed : ur right baout that
------------------------------------------------------------
that is all i have to say today ... Life Sucks and NOW you
know it too !
------------------------
2004-12-31 03:45:02
Sweet And Sinister And Whicked
thats the 3 words that describes me most ..
....................................................
heres something i wrote a couple of day ago....
this is what happend to me becouse of medical chemicals....
its all personal experience...
I couldent talk i was blocked out from life i just couldent
handle anything .... thats what antidepressant pills does to
a person if its constantly over dosed ... i was more or
less a zombie whithout feelings and whithout any and i mean
it any clue about the outside world .. i was so scared of my
own shadows ... and worst part is that i never did anything
wrong ... but my docktor used me as a test objekt ... she
was the one who told me to increase the dose ... i have
beeing clean for a year and guess what .. ill never ever in
hell go back to that it made me so much worse then i was
from the start ...i changed docktor and i got parts of my
life back ...but i still have this 4 years of no memories
..its like a huge black hole
... but it takes time to heal and the healing has begun....
sure life treated me badly but im still alive to tell you
one thing dont EVER trust a doctor that says everything will
be ok ... ethier there lying or there just trying to
convince you that you actully have a future .... i know that
i dont have much of a future since my life is pretty much
twisted upside down and its like a roller coaster or a
moutain that you try to climb ... no matter how hard you try
you always fall back down
.............................................
chemical dreams
those dreams i get when i eat sleeping pills are so
confusing they dont make any sence at all ...
like for a instance ... i first dreamed a normal dream
whith me out on my horse Satans Spawn ..
we where out in a nature reservation just relaxing and
enjoying nature the way we used to do every third month of
the year for a week or two .. we do THIS IN REAL LIFE like
this ..becouse i badly need breaks from life and stress
down but last trip was canceled a few weeks back due to
heavy snowing (witch is now gone btw) anyway back to the
dream ...
so here we where me and Spawn that i call him ..
just enjoying nature when a really wierd thing happend ...
out of nowhere a tall mysterious shadow creeped up on us
and we both got scared and i realized i was no longer
alone i had company by a fellow human (i can never
remember if the person is male or female that part is
always blurry) and it creeped me out becouse i enjoy beeing
alone so i woke up whith a heart rate doubble as fast of
normal....
second dream was more chaotic ....
me and some friends at a festival haveing fun ..
we fixed up the tent and started drinking since we where
already dressed and had makeup on .. and i started to drink
then i was out walking and picked up some new arrivals and
dragged them back to our tent and told them to connect
thier tents to our tent .. so they did and suddenly we had
a major sexfest on the festival ... everyone has sex except
me ... since i recorded the whole shit ... while i did that
i also ate food and talked to one person who walked by
about the reason of life ...and reason of existanse and we
both agreed to never say anything about it so now i wont
even tell you ... how rude is that of me ?
anyway back to the dream ... after i talked to that person
i realized more or less that i really really wanted to find
the one person of my dreams .. so i went out looking for
him and i ended up whith ... Nothing... He dosent exist ..
it was rude finding that out in a dream ...
but anyways my conclusion of this mess was ... my dream man
does not exist so ill have to settle for something less ...
-----------------------------------------------------------
and heres the dream man that dosent exist written down in
words for future references ...
*Long Hair (any color works) (and by long hair i mean
longer then the shoulders)
*Brown Eyes/Green Eyes (no damn Blue Eyed long haird male
for me thanks)
*Smart
*Have more Brain activity then a doorknob
*Humor
*A free spirit
*A mind of his own
*Own hobbys since i have a lots of hobbys that i dont want
to share
------------------------------------------------------------
thats about it i think since i woke up and currently are
typing this ... NO lyrics today but ...
--------------
random camfrog stuff ..
WaxPimp (09:10:37) : Dros stop fucking with the pitch
control
Homer298 (09:16:05) : Wax, you fuck! Are you!!!!! gonna
play it???????? when Vamp comes back?????????
Homer298 (09:20:00) : Aus fem!!!!!! why the hell can't we
see your face? If you are trying to hide the fact you are
masturbating... We can see the rest of you!!!!!
Lupine (09:33:42) : homo
Lupine (09:33:44) : err
WaxPimp (09:33:45) : lol
Join: iceman42
Lupine (09:33:48) : I mean Homer
ctrl (09:35:30) : am i in it?
ctrl (09:36:05) : I thought I would have gotten into your
brain by now...
Homer298 (09:36:08) : Yeah, I keep hoping Mistique will Im
me back. But she already knows I have a small dick, so she
is being nice.
thats all folks !
-----------------------------
2004-12-18 22:52:10
Hate the only true emotion.
---------------------
Every Soul Has A Hidden Depth
Every Wound Tells A Broken Story
Every Soldier Leaves His Bloody Mark
From The Shadows Of A Spiteful Mist
A War´nor Walks From A Horison Of Hate.
A Shadow Of Enigma
----------------------
(above is written by someone else... defintly not my work i
just liked it enoufh to start everything off whith it)
------------------------------------
I FEEL THE SORROW FILLING MY HEART
WITH BLOOD ON MY ARMS...
I WATCH MY WHOLE LIFE FALL APART...FOR THE THIRD TIME OF MY
LIFE AND I HOPE I WILL DIE SOON...
A SMILE ... WHO AM I KIDDING ? I CANT SMILE...
I JUST CAN’T DIE...FRIENDS JUST KEEPS ON PULLING ME BACK..
DARK EMOTIONS FILLING MY HEAD...
KILLING FOR SANITY ...
KILLING FOR JOY ... WHATS THE DIFFRANCE ?
LIFE IS A MISERY ...AND THE PAST HAS BEEING A PURE HELL...
I AM NOT MADE FOR LOVE ...AND NOT MADE FOR HATE...
THE BITTER TRUTH ...HURTS MORE THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE...
THAT IS WHAT I FOUND ...
IN THIS ENDLESS LIFE ...
SANITY DISAPPEARING...
WHAT CAN I DO ?
MY EYES COVERED IN BLOOD
BLINDING ME FROM THE TRUTH
SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS
BUT ONLY FIND LIES...
THE SWEET SEDUCTION OF DEATH
IS WHAT I HAVE FOUND...
SPREADING ITS TASTE IN MY HEART...
SEEDS OF EVIL
IN MY HEAD
A SMILE... WHO AM I TRYING TO FOOL ? MYSELF ?
I WISH TO DIE...I AM TIERD OF LIFE
NOT TO BE AMONG THE LIVING..I REALLY HATE MYSELF
IN THIS ENDLESS LIFE
ITS ONLY FULL OF LIES FROM STRANGERS WALKING BY..
------------------------------------------------------------
random text to noone..this is whats inside my brain
atm...you are the one i would never hug or the one i would
never talk to if we where in the same room ...i wouldent
even bother to spend one word on you ...thats how little i
like you ...thank god i will never meet you again in my
fevery dreams ... i put a mental block on you and it lasts
for this lifetime....
-----------------------------------------------
im to tierd to give a fuck about anything ... i just want
to die now.. dont disturb me in my attempts ... sure i
behave diffrently on camfrog and in life ... but remember
this is MY DIARY and MY thougths and weiws on life... and
rigth now im as feed up as i can get....i will probobly
have a major nervous breakdown soon again when i realizes
that im still alive....
anyhow ... i can now feel my feets and i can wiggle my toes
again ... i havent beeing able to do that since may this
year .... i can also feel my left leg completly again ....
only the other leg left to work on if i dont want a
permanent funny walk ... and my voice is slowly adjusting
to the swedish way of talking ... ill be putting peapole to
sleep soon by just talking ...and yes im still dropping
fast in weigth ... but i think i can get it under control
by changing my diet ...
and no lyrics ... damn im starting a trend here ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2004-12-19 14:00:10
more new words i learned today
T_VaMp (13:14:13) : jubblies are boobies Miss B
Throbbing=pulsating (thank ya Ron666 from camfrog)
i have nothing to say so heres some lyrics instead ...
Killing Me Softly With His Song
( Roberta Flack )
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style.
And so I came to see him to listen for a while.
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes.
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on ...
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there.
But he just came to singing, singing clear and strong.
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
He was strumming, oh, he was singing my song.
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
With his song ...
--------------------------------
2004-12-20 22:11:41
dont read this if you dont know me...
------------------------------------------------
frozen2 you bazzled my mind ... do i know you ?
probobly not and your defintly not reading my diary ...
noone who knows me well enoufh does ...
------------------------------------------------
Peter i miss you and you give me somewhat hope .... ill
soon see you on the other side ...and yes im serious i cant
take this bullshit called life anymore so i am on my
way...i just WHISH i figured this out earlyier .... took me
10 almost 11 years to figure out whats missing in my life ..
lets start over on the other side... ill be the one i was
when i finally come ...
(for you lazy fucks that dont know who he was ... he was my
first love and probobly the only true love i ever had)
------------------------------------------------------
and you longhaired goth stranger that never mentions your
name in my dreams why are you popping in and haveing long
conversations whith me about the meaning of life and the
reason why i should not take my life ? i know you mean well
i just dont get it why you havent given up on me since i
gave up more or less ... and you always show up on the
weirdest placeses and in the weirdest dreams..... why are
you doing this to me ? what did i do to deserve your
attention ? i never asked for it and still you gave me
it ...
----------------------------
so many questions and so little time i give up ...
if im still alive ill write more diary entries if im dead i
wont bother to write whats on my mind... you get the clue
rigth ?
and no lyrics im too fucking depressed to care if you wanna
know what i listnen to or not rigth now ...
-------------------------
~~~revolving door
(the story is at 18th of may but this was the original post from my diary)
2004-12-23 20:14:04
The Revolving Door
This following story is from my previous life as Miss Busan
in Asherons Call 1 my short Name in this Story is Busan
and YES i AM a friend of both Capfan And Peanut II
who in this story is named Peanut ... and i also Know the
person who wrote the story so i feelt more or less forced
to put this in my diary since it was not just a goodbye for
Peanut it was also a good bye for me .... oh God 5 years
and i make a silent good bye while my ingame spouse makes
the big bang good bye... oh i whish she knew that i miss it
but i made my mind up ... and im not going back and well
back to the story ...
check 18th of may 2005 for the story
Bye Bye Love !
now back to me ....
day before christmas and ill prolly write more tomorrow
after all presents ... *giggles*
time to get drunk and suicidal and sleepy *waves* SWEDEN
RULES !!!!!!!!
----------------
2004-12-24 22:30:51
yay !
all presents are listed on my new homepage....
http://missy.lupinesden.com/xmas/
the day has beeing nice ... at lunch i ate good food ...
then i opend presents .....
and after that i watched donald ducks special christmas
program .. after that everything got nasty ... everyne
started drinking so i called a cab and went home ... i cant
stand my drunk relatives .... i am pissed becouse they
actully promised me there would not be any alcohol since
nethier me or my sister can drink due to medication ... and
dad who has diabetes should actully have beeing more
carefull but no ... it pissed me off so i left ....
the only thing i loved was the gifts ...bad santa actully
gave me a rabbit so im happy .... now i shall go test it !
have fun !
//Marina
----------------
2004-12-25 20:45:11
Conversations
------------------------------------------------------------
A Friend : hugs again as looks like u need it u dont look
as happy today
Me : im not happy at all ... i just want a quik death
A Friend : awwww
Me : brb need to get ciggs from the refridgirator
A Friend : from the fridge?? lol
Me : yeah i store them in there ... tastes better then
since its menthol ciggs
A Friend : ahh
A Friend : hugs you, wish i could comb ur hair
Me : *hugs back* and well i will prolly cut it all off
soon since my whole world is falling apart ...
A Friend : awww no dont get it cut, u look lovely with long
hair
Me : well it dosent matter if im dead ... i am on the egdge
rigth now everything i dreamt off is gone everything i
could possibly want is gone and i just realized that i
would be better off dead and emotionless then trying to
chase after what i cant have ... its impossible to get what
i want
A Friend : awww dont think like that hun, nothing in life
is impissible
Me: the only thing i despratly want is a pice of mind
Me : and that i cant get no matter how hard i try
------------------------------------------------------------
someone unnamed :are u tired toiday?
me :no depressed and suicidal ,,,
someone unnamed : lol
someone unnamed : that bad?
me : yeah
someone unnamed : awww
someone unnamed : what can i do to cheer u up?
me : shoot me in the head ? ill provide the gun and bullet
someone unnamed : lol
someone unnamed : come on dont be like that
me : theres so much behind the surface that can never
heal no matter how hard i try ..i actully went to a hypnos
therapist to try to solve my issues but it dident work so
im still pretty messed up if not worse after it ...
someone unnamed : u where ok yesterday
me : i was on the edge yesterday ... and now im one step
closer ...
someone unnamed : a good nught of sex would do u good
someone unnamed : i know it does to me
me : no that would only make it worse rigth now
someone unnamed: awww, cause i would fly to where u are ,
but i see it wouldnt work
me : no i would probobly kill myself no matter what
me : its just a matter of time rigth now
someone unnamed : ur such a beautiful girl just leave those
shits behind
me : dont you think i would have done it already if it
where possible ?
someone unnamed : have u tried a good night of sex?? it
does miracles
someone unnamed : u probably didnt tryied yet
me : damnit ... sex for me means a hell lot more then just
sex .. its all about feelings and chemestry ...
someone unnamed : so?
someone unnamed : i can go there
someone unnamed : lol
me : and im just not a fucking toy i have emotions and to
fix the uncontrollable flow of already existing emotions i
dont really need more unresolved emotions to deal whith ...
god damnit ...
someone unnamed : ur right baout that
------------------------------------------------------------
that is all i have to say today ... Life Sucks and NOW you
know it too !
------------------------
2004-12-31 03:45:02
Sweet And Sinister And Whicked
thats the 3 words that describes me most ..
....................................................
heres something i wrote a couple of day ago....
this is what happend to me becouse of medical chemicals....
its all personal experience...
I couldent talk i was blocked out from life i just couldent
handle anything .... thats what antidepressant pills does to
a person if its constantly over dosed ... i was more or
less a zombie whithout feelings and whithout any and i mean
it any clue about the outside world .. i was so scared of my
own shadows ... and worst part is that i never did anything
wrong ... but my docktor used me as a test objekt ... she
was the one who told me to increase the dose ... i have
beeing clean for a year and guess what .. ill never ever in
hell go back to that it made me so much worse then i was
from the start ...i changed docktor and i got parts of my
life back ...but i still have this 4 years of no memories
..its like a huge black hole
... but it takes time to heal and the healing has begun....
sure life treated me badly but im still alive to tell you
one thing dont EVER trust a doctor that says everything will
be ok ... ethier there lying or there just trying to
convince you that you actully have a future .... i know that
i dont have much of a future since my life is pretty much
twisted upside down and its like a roller coaster or a
moutain that you try to climb ... no matter how hard you try
you always fall back down
.............................................
posted by Missy at 11:24 em
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